I Have Been Remiss

I have been remiss in almost all of my duties.  I am looking at the date of my last post and it's been more than 2 months since I have posted anything.  I have plenty of thoughts and blogs in the making, but none have come to fruition.

It's been a crazy summer.  After the semester ended I enjoyed a couple weeks of just random downtime at work.  Then the best thing on earth happened!  A real, actual, adult vacation.  You know, the kind where you leave for an extended period of time, in this case 2 full weeks, and completely leave work and obligations behind.  I traveled Europe for 2 weeks and it was so glorious that I actually miss it.  I will admit that I did work out 3 times in 2 countries, which is something most people don't do on vacation (a blog about that is in the making, my apologies), and was actually determined to try to fit in more training.  After all I am a bit of a crazy person when it comes to lifting and training.

Or at least I was before vacation.  Taking all that time away from my normal life and everything I have committed myself to put a lot of things into perspective for me.

1. I work too much.  I consider myself currently having 4 jobs.  Yes 4 f-ing jobs.  Full time I'm an assistant strength coach and I love it.  Part time I coach weightlifting at two other gyms and I love that too.  I also personal train on occasion and I love that too.  I love all of them and I happen to be pretty good at them.  I am starting to realize that I can probably love something to death.  I can love something so much that I get burnt out on it and just keep pushing and pushing and putting my hand in the fire until I'm completely charred.  I'm not sure I would call it over-commitment though.  When I commit to something I will see it through, possibly to my own detriment.

After vacation I realized I needed a change.  Give myself time to just BE.  Just do something that wasn't work related, lifting related.  Or maybe even just do nothing at all.  When you're used to just always doing something, doing nothing feels really odd for awhile.  I have had one completely free night during the week and usually one full free day on the weekend for myself for ohhhh about the last 2 years.

This leads me to....

2. I don't socialize near enough.  Unless you're someone I work with, a teammate or someone I coach, I probably haven't seen you much if at all in the last 6 months.  I rarely go out during the week, usually because I'm working.  The other excuse I give myself is that I have to get up early for work the next day, the next day is a training day, I'm really tired, I will just go out on the weekend to make up for it, or some combo of those excuses.  The weekend rolls around and usually the excuse is that I'd rather stay in and be lazy.

The truth of all of it is that I'm just lazy and have hermit/homebody tendencies.  I'm always gonna be tired.  I think that's called adulthood.  Sure it sucks to roll in to work before the sun rises running on only a few hours of sleep but what's the difference if I'm gonna be tired.  Hell last weekend I got a grand total of 2 1/2 hours sleep after a Friday night out and the next morning bright & early got a PR muscle snatch of 48x2.

Back to the point of being social, I really don't socialize and haven't been really out and about dating a whole lot.  Text messaging and Facebook don't count as being social.  They are in fact quite the opposite.  By making it easier to communicate and keep up with what others are doing they actually seem to promote less getting together and seeing friends.  What the hell do you talk to your friends about in person when you've already posted every tiny detail of your life?!

3. I work so much and make a decent amount of money but never treat myself to anything.  With all the jobs that I have you'd think I'd either be rich or hiding a secret gambling addiction where I owe some loan shark thousands of dollars.  Truth is that I just don't spend money on myself.  I wear clothes well past their prime, holey socks, shorts with waistbands that just aren't quite elastic anymore.  Perhaps because I don't socialize much I don't go out to dinner much.  Or perhaps because I'm such a cheap ass I don't socialize because I don't spend money.

Blood, sweat, & tears kinda money that I don't spend.  Make sense to work that hard and then do nothing? Probably not.  I have friends that I'm pretty certain are appalled with my wardrobe or lack thereof.  Is it frugal?  Probably.  Is it logical?  Probably not.  I have no idea.  It all probably requires therapy.

However, this summer I definitely changed things around a bit.  I finally decided to quit one job.  I finally stopped making excuses to stay in and started making excuses to go out.  Partying like I'm still in college (without the ability to recover as quickly).  I almost in essence started spending money like its water.  It's been a fun summer and I wouldn't really change it for anything.

Except at the end of the day it's not me.  I have been remiss of many things.  Obviously I haven't been posting blogs as often.  That's perhaps because I haven't been training near as much lately.  I'm skipping Nationals this year.  My body is most definitely not ready for it and even worse than that is my mind is not ready for it.  I just haven't been able to get focused on much of anything lately.  And that bothers me because that's just not me.  I would occasionally describe myself as having single-minded determination.  Right now I don't even have the right words to describe my recent state of mind and actions.

The good news now is that, even though I've been remiss all summer long, I am now feeling myself slip back on track.  I'm getting back into a good routine and I'm getting my mind refocused.  I'm doing the things I need to do when they need done.  I'm doing it all but the new key here is that I'm not leaving behind my epiphanies of this summer.  I'm evolving.  I'll still be the Beastess but a better balanced Beastess.  All animals evolve and it was high time the Beastess followed suit.  

Your Excuses Are Invalid

"Oh you're so lucky.  You work in gyms so you can always get a workout in."  Yes, it was pure 100% absolute luck that I ended up working in multiple weight rooms.  Wanting to work in a weight room has nothing to do with it.  Studying my ass off to be where I am has nothing to do with it.  Dedicating my life to doing what I do and being where I am has exactly zip to do with it.  The little luck fairy sprinkled her magic dust, twirled her rainbow wand and POOF! I was the "lucky" one out of billions of people to be be able to get a workout in whenever I want because I work in a gym.

Well I'm here to tell you that your excuses for not getting in some sort of workout or being active in any capacity are shit.  Yep, absolute bulllllshit.  Here is what most of your excuses look like....

Pick one of the following...."I don't have....."

• Time
• Energy
• Money
• A place to workout
• The right equipment
• The right weather
• A workout buddy

Now do you want to know the number one reason why all of those excuses are invalid?  Those excuses are invalid because what that tells me is that YOU don't have time for YOU.  You are not making yourself, your health, your happiness, your well-being a priority.  No one can make YOU your own priority when it comes to being healthy and active.  Why be so self-limiting?

So you say you don't have time.  How about those 20 minutes you just spent on Facebook/Instagram/Twitter where you were re-posting motivational memes?  I'm pretty sure in those same 20 minutes you can knock out body weight squats, push-ups, lunges, crunches.  Hell you can knock out a full body stretching routine in that amount of time.  Try living all those inspirational quotes instead of just posting them.  

Energy huh?  When was the last time you didn't feel at least just a little bit tired?  Welcome to adulthood, it's fucking exhausting.  You know what though?  If you expend a little bit more energy every day you'll actually start getting back a lot more energy.  I know that seems weird but it's true.  Sitting around all day is actually much more tiring than going out a doing something, anything!

Who the hell needs money to get a workout in?  Pretty sure those kids who are playing baseball with a stick for a bat and rocks for a ball don't give a crap about not having money to be active.  Moving around is free.  Give it a shot some time.

Remember when we didn't need a special place to workout?  Special equipment?  And we didn't need perfect conditions either.  We went outside, got dirty, ran around, jumped on things, fell down.  We just played.  It wasn't "working out" but it was active as hell.  Sprinting for cover in the rain and trudging thru knee-deep snow.  Instead of worrying about the right place, the right equipment, the right weather, enjoy everything for what it is.  Go for a walk in the rain, stop worrying that you're going to soak your favorite shoes, they'll dry I promise.  Get drenched in the rain....it's good for the body and for the soul.  

When I was in the sixth-grade I was the new girl in class.  I was shy beyond belief and didn't always feel like I made friends really easily.  You know where I started making friends?  Recess.  I didn't need a friend to GO to recess, I made friends AT recess.  So what if you don't have a workout partner?  Make a freakin' new friend.  It's really not that awful.

Yep your excuses are invalid.  I'm not saying there won't be times where you do have a completely good excuse for not being active and trying to be healthy.  Life happens so it's not always going to be perfect.  We're humans, not robots, so it will never be perfect or ideal.  Just remember that no one is going to do it for you, you'll have to be your own priority.  You were born.  You're alive.  You have the right.  You have the ability.  Just move, it's that easy and it's free.

On Being A Female Weightlifter

I often get asked how or why I got into weightlifting.  Most of the time I tell people that I started strength training when I was 16 and just never looked back. I really think there's more to it than sheer happenstance.  It feels like a really complicated question that I can't really answer.  Why do I compete in lifting?  Because I can?  Because I want to?

As a female weightlifter (and strength coach) there's never really an answer that satisfies the curious.  For the general public if a man says that he competes in weightlifting there is the usual nod of affirmation and perhaps the question of how much you lift.  When a woman is posed the same question it is usually accompanied by the incredulous eyebrow raise and then let the whys fly.  Why do you compete?  Why did you get into it?  Why aren't you afraid you'll get enormous?

I started generalized strength training when I was 16.  I was given the opportunity to participate in a summer long sports performance training program where I would lift twice a week and sprint on a treadmill twice a week.  Blame it on the country upbringing or the lack of social networking but it never one single time crossed my mind that 1.) I would get huge, 2.) it could be considered weird for women to lift, or 3.) that there was any way to get strong other than lift weights.  I can tell you that at 5' 10" and around 163lbs with the ability to move a couple hundred pounds in several different ways I get asked more often if I'm a yoga instructor or a dancer than I get asked if I'm a weightlifter or, heaven forbid, a bodybuilder. 

After many years in the big wide world and the ever growing connectivity of humans, there is the weird stigma that weightlifting will make you huge and that by doing Zumba 3 times a week you'll get strong.  I'm not knocking any of the mainstream methods of fitness ("At least people are getting up & moving..." blah blah blahhhh) but we're talking weightlifting and getting strong.  If you asked me how to get strong I'm going to tell you to pick up a weight and preferably one that's scuffed, covered in a bit of chalk, and looks like it survived a nuclear blast.  That pink dumbbell women claim is making them strong actually weighs less than that designer handbag they lug around so it's time to stop fooling themselves.  Stop being whiny bitches.

Now that we've put on our big girl panties there are some inevitable truths about being a female weightlifter.  Obviously no one is going to understand why you do what you do other than like-minded individuals, read - other weightlifters and strength enthusiasts.  Dating becomes a whole new world of fun explaining that in your free time you try to throw a weight over your head that weighs more than your date.  You'll inevitably have to pantomime what you do and probably flex your bicep as if that were an indication of your strength.  Telling your date how much  you can squat will also guarantee that they give your ass another look as they hold the door for you when you leave the restaurant.

Doesn't she look sooooo strong!

Speaking of ass, your body will change and it WILL be for the better.  It will become tighter, toned, and yes more curvy.  Who gives a shit what the scale says if your waist is narrower and your ass is tighter!  Yessssss I realize that the clothing as it's manufactured currently is designed for one main body type: twiggy, bony, no-ass-having, grumpy, smug, most certainly hungry, little bitches.  Basically that means you'll find stuff designed to fit a woman that resembles a 2"x4".  You will probably have to buy jeans one size too big in the waist and then tailor it in to avoid the plumbers crack because your waist-to-ass ratio is much different than the average Suzy Sloth.  I would rather have a high, tight, strong ass and have to tailor my clothes than conform to the norm.  I would also much rather be considered "bulky" than jiggly.  I'm just saying. 

As female weightlifters we also have one very distinct thing that can effect our training that men never have to experience.  Yep, once a month we get to bloat, cramp, bleed, and hormonal rage.  Do you think its an easy thing to walk into a gym when you feel like your body is hollowing you out like a Halloween pumpkin? I will tell you one absolutely crucial piece of information though.  Even if you have cramps that feel like you're being stabbed from the inside out, your back feels like it's been hacked in half with a spoon, and you've bloated so much that you've jumped up two weight classes, get your ass in the gym and lift.  Not only does lifting help alleviate all those symptoms but it'll get your mind focused on things other than the internal apocalypse that's going on down there.

What every woman experiences once a month.

When it comes to emotions, women by nature are all over the board some times.  We simply can't help it.   Lifting is a mood elevator but that doesn't mean we won't spontaneously burst into tears if we miss a lift.  Yes around the time our period hits we'll get a bit more moody.  No we don't enjoy any of it.  Would you enjoy if I kicked you in the balls once a month?  Didn't think so.  And as a fair warning, just because we're a little moody does NOT mean we're on our period.  We can have bad days too, a-holes.

I know personally I'm not exactly known for being the most fashionable.  I'm probably one of those prime candidates for "What Not to Wear."  However I still do possess the desire to be pretty once in awhile.  Female lifters will probably match their gym clothes.  They will also possibly wear make up to the gym for no real reason.  Manicure, pedicure, pamper pamper pamper.  Just because we want to out-lift a man doesn't mean we want to look all slovenly like one.  My pre-gaming before my last meet included painting my nails, curling my hair, and putting on make-up.  So sue me, I looked pretty and lifted pretty, I PR'd.  Maybe you should take note.

Overall it's much more difficult to be a female weightlifter than a male.  We have to justify why we want to pick up heavy shit, men get "Oh that's cool, bro!"  We get to scare the hell out of our dates at the mere mention that we like lifting, men get fawned over.  We have to try on every single piece of clothing before we buy it, men can grab 8 things off a rack and it fits right every time.  We get punched in the uterus for a few days every month, men get punched in the junk ummm next to never anymore really.  We have to pick up heavy shit and look good doing it, men can showing up looking like they haven't showered in a week.

It's tough being a female weightlifter.  Why do I lift?  I don't know.  I guess at this point it really is.....BECAUSE WHY THE FUCK NOT!  Deal with it.

Who needs to squat!....Or how I performed well at the Arnolds without training squat...

Ahhhh the Arnold Weightlifting Championships, part competition, part freak show.  The theme for the weekend was "Let's get weird!"  And speaking of weird, my training going into the competition was the weirdest, most inconsistent, directionless training I've ever had.  I wasn't really following a specific cycle or plan for most of the time frame between the American Open and the Arnold.  I had a collaborative training cycle for about 3 weeks leading into the competition and that's about the extent of planning.  Since about the end of October I had done a back squat a grand total of one time and front squats maybe a total of three times, essentially zero focus on training a heavy bilateral squat for strength.  My squat training came in two forms: full lifts and split squats.  The rest of my strength training involved snatch pulls.  Yep, basically three things got me healthy, got me strong, and helped me nail a PR.  It's not the normal training I would prescribe but I had to think outside the box after pissing a year's worth of good training down my leg and hurting myself at the American Open.  And well, it worked so well it even got rid of nagging pains I've experienced for years. 

After waiting months to redeem myself from having to withdraw from the American Open it was time for a little ol' road trip to the thriving metropolis of Columbus, OH.  As the sun rose Thursday I was packing before heading to the airport to pick up my lifter, James, who unhappily arrived from Arizona to a snowy Chicago landscape.  We hit the road where we stopped in Indiana for a quality breakfast with the old folks at Bob Evans then gassed up & got provisions for the trip.  About 5 hours and one video of dancing gummy bears later, we arrived in Columbus.  A little pre-workout meal from Wendy's and we headed to the venue for our final training session before the competition.  I can happily and excitedly tell you that we were the very first people to use the warm-up room that was stocked with brand new Eleiko bars.  Post training meal involved James and Terry making fun of me for my lack of desire to parallel park my truck outside of the restaurant and then eventually getting a parking ticket for parking in a residential area.  Damn you, Columbus Meter Maids!

Friday was all about watching teammates compete, cups of bacon, exploring the expo, and one smart ass comment almost setting of a 'Roid Rage.  The hotel we were setup in thankfully had a free breakfast that involved more than tiny boxes of cereal and a box of mixed bagels, donuts, and danishes.  Post-breakfast we decided Terry would need a pick-me-up since he was trouble-shooting the scoreboard all weekend long so we packed a coffee to-go cup with bacon.  It was much appreciated and later repeated.  After the bacon delivery it was time to wander the expo, get free crap, and enjoy the freak show.  However, when at the Arnold Sports Festival I would recommend against offering to hold a man's purse while he attempts to axel deadlift 480lbs.  Otherwise you get an overly acned, overly large dude puffing his chest up in your face, posturing up like a gorilla in the safari telling you that that's his brother and not to call it a purse.  And that's when I quickly wandered away.  Haha!  Friday evening ended with a little driving tour around the Ohio State University campus and surprising my men's volleyball team when I showed up to watch them play against OSU.  While they played amazing and took it to 5 games, they eventually lost. 

Saturday!  Game day!  After breakfast with the teammates, they went off to the venue to wait around for weigh-ins and I stuck around the hotel awhile.  About an hour and half later, I was in rare form.  Showered up, make-up on, hair & nails did.  I figured if I looked pretty I would lift pretty.  Turns out that wasn't too far off.  Everything was feeling great during warm-ups and I told my coach that I wanted to open with a conservative 70, then jump to 74, and finally take a PR attempt at 78.  This was one of the few meets where I've ever had to go back into the warm-up room for extra lifts because there were so many attempts by other lifters between my announced attempts.  Opened with a solid 70, came out with an even more solid 74 on the second attempt, missed an extra lift back in the warm up room, shrugged it off, and boldly walked out for a stab at 78.  I don't recall anything between the point of lift off and when I was sitting in the bottom of the snatch just holding on to it, recovering slowly.  Stood up with it, got the down signal, stared down the scoreboard looking for those little white lights, and then bounced down off the platform like a 15-year-old cheerleader.  Three white lights and a confirmed PR!

On to the clean & jerks!  I realized that I'm either getting stronger or smarter or both but it really doesn't take me many attempts to get to my openers anymore. In this case I was ready for my opener after 4 warm-up attempts.  Again I went with a conservative opener at 85, I just needed to hit that to nail a good enough total to qualify for Nationals.  Solid, easy clean but a weeee bit of an unlock on the jerk.  Thanks to inconsistent judging I was able to get 2 of 3 white lights on it though.  After another lift in the warm up room, came back out on the platform with 90, again an easy clean but Lordy did I throw the jerk forward.  Locked it out, lunged forward, again got 2 of 3 white lights.  Again there were what felt like a million attempts between my second and third attempts and I was running out of gas so I didn't want to take an extra lift in the back.  I had gummy bears between snatch and clean & jerk (*gasp* don't care, don't want your nutritional advice) and they were quickly disappearing from their intended energy boost.  Stepped on the platform determined to go for broke on an attempt at 94.  Crussssshhhhhhhed the clean, stood up, and then the room started getting small.  One breath, two breath, dip, annnnd dumped the weight.  Holy hell was I gassed.  In the end I was credited with 78 & 90 on a 5 for 6 performance and within 1k of my best total ever.  Check it out.....

Overall I really do credit the split squats with not only being my saving grace but also the reason I was able to perform as well as I did without training heavy front or back squats.  One week out from the competition I was able to split squat holding 160lbs for two reps each leg.  In case you're wondering that's essentially what I weigh and I squatted it primarily using one leg.  I call that a win.  Who needs to train squats!  Well actually we all do but split squats are now going to be a staple of all my training cycles in some capacity.  8 hours worth of driving and 3 days later, I've already been back in on the platform twice.  One day of working of being patient during snatch and finding better balance & transition on the snatch pull.  One day of working on feeling the difference between a good jerk and a bad jerk.  Annnnnnd I squatted!  Back squat 100x3 like it was a warm up weight.  I know it's not that heavy but blah blah blah don't care, the point is I squatted 100k after not squatting since October! 

Who's back on the right track for big things this year?  This girl!  I hear a PR train rolling into the station and it's time to hop on.  Chugga chugga chooooo chooooo! 

Beastess Athletics

I will preface this post with the mere statement that it will be nothing but gratuitous self-promotion from here to the end of the post.  As if that were something new for this blog haha!  Anywayyyyyyy.......

I've spent the last couple years sending out email updates about local meets.  What started out as a small endeavor has grown immensely and I now seem to be somewhat of a go-to person for weightlifting in Chicagoland and the area.  I wanted to create a website that would allow people an online resource for all things weightlifting in Chicagoland and the Midwest region, a place people could refer others to for questions regarding upcoming meets, local coach information, and educational materials.  So I now proudly give you

BeastessAthletics.com

Beastess Athletics will be constantly evolving.  I'm a strength coach not a web developer so you'll have to be patient with me as I work on it.  Please check out the webpage and even better, click the box on the page that says "Follow blog via email."  

So there you have it, I made you read this blog (boosting my numbers) and made you click the link to the new page (boosting those numbers)...BOOM gratuitous self-promotion!

A Few Favorite Lifters

There are superstars in every sport that people idolize for one reason or another.  Being a strength & conditioning coach by profession I always get asked about my favorite sports or athletes.  Or I'll get a "hey did you watch the game last night?"  Honestly my answer is while I will cheer for specific teams, I don't really watch sports.  I like going to games, atmosphere always makes a huge difference, or I'll watch something like the Super Bowl but in the end I really just don't give a crap.  The only thing I will watch sports-related on a regular basis is lifting videos and since that's not a mainstream sport here I can spend endless hours watching online.

Some of the really old lifting videos are awesome to watch.  I don't mean like 20 years old.  We're talking the realllly old school, black & white videos.  Those guys were strength athletes, true specimens.  

But this post isn't about old school lifting.  It's about a few of the lifters out there that I admire.  Most of them will be US lifters, I like to support where I came from, honor those who came before me, and those who are still cutting a trail.  I'm also going to start with the female lifters first.

Tara Nott & Cheryl Haworth
The first female Olympic gold medalist in weightlifting under the current style of events and the last females to place in the top 3 at any of the recent Olympic Games.  Do I really need to say much more than that?   In the 2000 Sydney Olympic Games Tara captured the gold medal in the 48k class.  At those same Games, Cheryl took home a bronze in the +75k class.  Both amazing women, trail-blazers.  I have been fortunate enough to train under and work with Tara's personal coach from those Games.  Cheryl was also part of a short film called "Strong!" which I highly recommend you check out.

Sarah Robles
Sarah is one of our current Olympians from 2012 and is working towards 2016 in Rio.  She competed in the London Games in the +75k class where she took 7th overall.  Teammate Holley Mangold finished 10th at those Games.  Sarah is one of my favorites because she's probably one of the most exuberant upbeat people I've ever met in my life.  She's passionate about the sport and is so positive about life.  She's currently the strongest woman in America and it really doesn't get more awesome than that.  She even co-writes the blog Pretty Strong with another female lifter and they tend to get quite humorous at times. 

Other favorite female lifters include Melanie Roach of the US.  She's a wife, mother, business owner, and Olympian.  She's beautiful, successful, and strong.  A quick little jaunt over to Google will show you everything I just mentioned.  Then I'll briefly mention Lidia Valentin, a 75k lifter from Spain.  She's crazyyyyy strong, beautiful, and just a total bad ass.  She's also in the weight class that I compete in and finished 4th at the 2012 London Games.  Definitely someone to watch endless clips of on YouTube. 

Now on to the men.  There's no beating around the bush here.  It's all about the gigantic guys picking up stupidly heavy things and throwing them over their heads.  It's also about all of them being juussst a bit on the crazy side.  I just love watching these guys compete live or watching their videos online.  It's all insane!  From the US there are three guys that I like watching lift.  From the Super Heavyweights (+105k class) a good friend of mine, Zach Schluender, and of course my very own teammate, Shane Maier.  Both have represented the US on international stages and both are ridiculously strong.  Both are great people on and off the platform.  Zach has been around the sport for quite some time, is insanely smart about lifting and a great motivator.  Shane is also a great motivator and it's a blast training on the platform next to him.  I definitely encourage you to YouTube both guys.  Zach has a couple of videos that start out with "CRAZY" in the title. 

 

 

Then there's the perennial favorite of CrossFitters and man-crush for many of my male lifters, Donny Shankle.  Donny is a 105k lifter but he's lifting almost as much as the +105k guys.  YouTube has no shortage of Donny videos.  As mentioned in my previous post, A Day with Donny, I was actually really impressed with his coaching abilities as well.

And last but not least a foreign lifter, Matthias Steiner of Germany.  He's got an incredibly inspirational story leading up to the 2008 Beijing Games where he took the gold medal and which you only get a small taste of in the clip that I'm going to share with you.  Not only is he pretty inspirational but he's an all out beast.  In the 2012 London Games he dropped 196k snatch on his neck and walked away from it.  Obviously he ended up withdrawing from the meet but damn it's just a little bit crazy to get up and dust yourself off after something like that.

 I love watching lifting.  These are just some awesome individuals that I enjoy watching more than others.  To each their own as I'm sure people will have their own opinions on who they like to watch.  Who are your favorites to watch?

Weight Room Etiquette

Do's & Don'ts of Being in a Weight Room

DO
- Clean up your weights when you're done. Oh you don't like picking up after people?  Well neither do I so clean up your shit.

- Use bigger plates.  Loading the bar with a bunch of 10k plates is a dick move, especially if there are other lifters who actually need those plates.  The plates you're looking for are generally colored blue and red so don't be a dipshit, use them.

- Clean the bar if you bleed on it.  I don't know where you've been.  I don't want your cooties.  Torn callouses = badge of bad-ass honor.  Leaving your blood on the bar = dirty vagabond asshole.

- Use your time wisely.  Spending 10 minutes between sets because you're updating Facebook about every tiny sensation you experienced during your last set of squats is STRICTLY PROHIBITED.  And your phone may become a victim of "I don't know how it ended up under the weights I was dropping."

- Shout appropriate well-timed encouragement to fellow lifters.  If you're not sure of what to yell the basic standbys are "Let's go!" or "Come on!" or "Get after it!"  If you don't know the lifter's particular nuances or you're one of those newbie lifters, please refrain from shouting technical cues at the lifter.

- Get used to not having super soft girly hands.  We're lifting weights not petting kitties.

- Wear spandex or other applicable tight clothing.  Why?  So it doesn't get in the way of your lifting, genius.  No it doesn't have to come from Lululemon.  You can buy 4 pairs of tights at Target and support a child in Malaysia for what one pair of Lulu tights cost.

- Get used to speaking in grunts.  It means you're trying hard.  It's also easier to describe in grunts what you're trying to do. 

DON'T
- Walk in front of a lifter that's taking an attempt, especially if it's a max attempt.  If you're not sure if it's a max attempt ask yourself this, "Does it look heavy?"  Yes?  Then move your dumb ass out of the way.  And most certainly DO NOT stand right there in front of them and stare.  This gives them license to drop kick your ass across the weight room. 

- Take weights from a platform that someone else is using.  Walk your lazy ass over to the rack & get your own damn weights.  If you absolutely must share weights, be a gentleman(woman) and ask first, even if you only need them for one set.  Otherwise you deserve to get charlie-horsed in both calves. 

- Talk to someone chalking up if they appear to be "in the zone."  This is usually indicated by screaming, muttering to themselves, a solemn face staring into the distance, or any combination of the above.  Punishment might include a backhand to the face.

- Lift face to face on the same platform at the same time.  I mean come on this isn't Jazzercise.  It's also not the club so I don't need you all up in my personal lifting bubble.  Get your face outta my face or I'm gonna throw my weights at you. 

- Strut around the weight room like a peacock.  Save that shit for a Globo Gym bench-a-thon.  Pay your dues and earn your stripes like the rest of us.  Shut up, pick up something heavy, repeat.  Peacocking belongs at the zoo.

- Talk back to your coach.  They're your coach for a reason.  If you aren't going to listen to them and their programming then they have no reason to listen to you whine about not making gains.  Shut your mouth, do your work, trust your coach.

- Take a perfectly good block of chalk and break it into 1000 pieces.  Or that's what will happen to your face.

- Give pointers if you don't know what you're talking about.  Also don't demonstrate your lack of knowledge, it only makes your lack thereof more glaring in your attempt to be "helpful."  The less you really know about it the dumber you will appear, especially when pantomiming.


Happy lifting!